824 replies to this topic

[NippyFanNy779]

Terrence, on 27 February 2012 - 12:05 AM, said:

I hate hate hate hate this... I was good. I was ok. I thought I had processed all of this and was on the road back to some sort of normalcy. I thought my cry at the church Friday night was it. Sure there would moments here and there, but I'm good. I'm ok... I was wrong. I hate seeing Whitney's name and picture showing up on the memorial tribute section of award shows. Tonight Oscar's set me in all over again. As soon as I saw the white screen with the words "In Memoriam" I knew it was coming. I sat and held my breath thinking that despite it all; despite the news coverage, the constant reports, the headlines, the feelings, attending the funeral, seeing her gravesite, hell even seeing that damn National Enquirer picture that in this moment if they didn't show her face that it would all be a lie. Everything would be fake. Whitney would still be alive somewhere. Happy. Healthy. Living. Surrounded with love. Full of life. But when her name did appear every bit of sadness and emotion I felt when I first got the news two weeks ago came RIGHT back. I really hate this. I know the hope is unrealistic and makes no sense, and everytime it does nothing but set me up for failure and this feeling of blah all over again but it never fails. Its just so damn hard to accept this. I never wanna be the one to question God or His master plan but it just doesn't seem right. It doesn't seem fair. I've never felt like this before. I've only had one major death in my family in my life and this feels like a second. I always hear people say she's in a better place. She's with the Lord. She's resting. She's happy. It feels so selfish but I get tired of people saying that. I always said above the career, above the music, above the movies I want her happy. But now I just want her back. Even if she never recorded another album, or filmed another movie I knew she was somewhere. Alive. Even if she was on the island selling her fruit it would give me comfort to know it was the best damn fruit the island ever had... I feel like I'm just rambling now and going on and on, but even though family and friends try to comfort me and offer well wishes I still feel like no one really understands how I feel except for ya'll. No one really understands how huge of a loss this is. How it feels like part of my soul, our soul is gone. Our very existance here and reason for coming together is gone... It doesn't make any sense. This is the first time I've cried fully over this since last Friday. Damn damn damn I wanna get off this emotional rollercoaster... It was a great night, a great weekend and now it feels like the bottom was just snatched out suddenly... again.

He found my letters and he read each one out loud! Your post just killed me softly!

This is why I only talk to you all because only you all could write something that feels like your snatching the thoughts from my head and the feeling out of my heart.

I don't want her to come back to make music, I don't want her to come back to make movies, I don't want her to come back to do appearances, ...and interviews, ....and walk red carpets... I just want her to come back, and continue being a Mother, a daughter, and aunt, a friend, a mentor, and inspiration. I just want her to come back and live a blissfully happy existence and that would bring back a world of joy in my life.

[liz06]

I know the feeling Eric, I hate seeing her name with the dates. Last night, (and this is just a small example but) last night I went to Wikipedia and I seen "Whitney Elizabeth Houston (August 9, 1963 - February 11, 2012) was an American recording artist..." Two things here...the dates just tore me up, then I seen "was an American recording artist..." and I really really lost it. That use of was. She is past tense now and I hate it. That example sent me to bed early last night.

[Terrence]

_{With me its a little different. I have no problem listening to her music. That's alI've been playing for the last few weeks. All her music just on a random shuffle on my computer, my phone, my ipod, wherever. I can listen to IWALY and see images in my head but it's ok. I can hear and see things associated with her life and be fine, But when I see the images associated with the death (the funeral, the past tense words, the dates of death, the magazine memorials, etc) that's when the sadness comes in. We've gone months before without seeing her but in the back of your mind you always knew we'll see her again one day soon. Someday. Somewhere. Even if it's the most random thing: Whitney shopping for onions at the grocery store. Whitney eating wings in LA. Whitney at the theme park, whatever. She was ok. But then it sinks in... We'll never see that again and I'm back to square zero. And I know this is gonna sound horrible and morbid but I've been thinking damn God could have taken another legend in her place. Why couldn't it have been so and so or so and so instead. The world would still grieve. The world would still feel a loss, but Whitney would be ok.}

[liz06]

Here's the thing of it for me. I still have trouble listening to her because of my deep connection to her and her music. But at the same time, it was her music that I connected with, that I felt, that could get me through ANYTHING. I NEED something to get me through this. The funny thing is, the only thing that could get me through was her music and I just can't listen to it right now. I feel bad because her muisic is what I LOVE and right now I just can't listen to it. It's backwards.

It wont always be this way. I owe it to Whitney to listen to what she left us, and this is one of the things I connected with so deeply, so I can't just ignore it all together. In time, I will be able to hear her music every day like I used to and I will continue to be amazed at what she used to be able to do so effortlessly and I will continue to be in awe of her gliding across the stage in a beautiful gown and updo. I know now that when I called her an alien for being able to do some ridiculously outrageous things with her voice, she wasn't an alien, she's an angel. She was touched by God. He left his hand on her shoulder longer than the rest of us. She was special. I remember calling her Benjamin Button once lol because she didn't seem to age one bit, but look younger, well it's because she was special. She will always be special. She is my angel.

And if you're not the spiritual type than you can disregard but, even though I have a hard time listening to her now, I find some comfort in talking to her. She's my angel. I talk to her. I pray to her and for her. Maybe now she can hear me/us that love and connected with her so deeply in the most respectful of ways.

[remamamama]

Terrence, on 27 February 2012 - 11:41 AM, said:

_{With me its a little different. I have no problem listening to her music. That's alI've been playing for the last few weeks.}

Same here. The moment I knew the news was real, I actually deleted every non-Whitney song from my ipod and filled the whole ipod with Whitney's songs. Only Whitney songs, and nothing else. Every single song from YGGL to Salute, my seven live Whitney albums, even songs that I don't normally listen to (e.g. IIIWIANGB). And then one week later I downloaded the performances from her funeral, Yolanda's ILTL, JHud's IWALY, Robin's Exhale. That's all I could listen to for the last 2 weeks.

[Eboni]

Terrence, on 27 February 2012 - 11:41 AM, said:

_{And I know this is gonna sound horrible and morbid but I've been thinking damn God could have taken another legend in her place. Why couldn't it have been so and so or so and so instead. The world would still grieve. The world would still feel a loss, but Whitney would be ok.}

I'm glad I'm not the only one having these morbid thoughts. I know its wrong, but its how I feel. When I see other celebrities now I'll think in my head "why not her?"..."why not him?". If Charlie Sheen died tomorrow people would understand. But Lord, why Whitney?! Yes, I know that is absolutely disgusting to say. He has a family and kids and people who love him. But so did Whitney. Anyway, that's where I am right. now.

Edited by Eboni, 27 February 2012 - 01:08 PM.

[truthspeaker06]

Eboni, on 27 February 2012 - 01:07 PM, said:

Terrence, on 27 February 2012 - 11:41 AM, said:

_{And I know this is gonna sound horrible and morbid but I've been thinking damn God could have taken another legend in her place. Why couldn't it have been so and so or so and so instead. The world would still grieve. The world would still feel a loss, but Whitney would be ok.}

I'm glad I'm not the only one having these morbid thoughts. I know its wrong, but its how I feel. When I see other celebrities now I'll think in my head "why not her?"..."why not him?". If Charlie Sheen died tomorrow people would understand. But Lord, why Whitney?! Yes, I know that is absolutely disgusting to say. He has a family and kids and people who love him. But so did Whitney. Anyway, that's where I am right. now.

I even took it a step further & I remember tellking Kisha this, but I even thought, He could've taken me instead of her & I would've been ok with that. She means so much more to so many more people that at this point, I wish it were anyone else & I hate that I feel like that because deep down I know that's not right, but that's where my head is.

[karan]

^^^oh god! I too have been going through the same thoughts since the start. Especially when I see much older celebrities like Tina Turner, Chaka, Aretha, Patti....and even myself on the same ground truthspeaker just posted. Its surprising how we all are having the same thoughts.
Im lying on bed right now and my face feels rough with all the tears that have dried on it. Im having another terrible breakdown, and Im so lost...Im taking this quite personal as well. As if god took Whitney because he didnt want ME to be happy, and because of me everybody is suffering. CRAZY thoughts. Ive really started to feel I need some proffesional help now...

[NippyFanNy779]

And to think I was ashamed to admit these things because it just knew I was the only one.

[John-John]

Eboni, on 27 February 2012 - 01:07 PM, said:

Terrence, on 27 February 2012 - 11:41 AM, said:

_{And I know this is gonna sound horrible and morbid but I've been thinking damn God could have taken another legend in her place. Why couldn't it have been so and so or so and so instead. The world would still grieve. The world would still feel a loss, but Whitney would be ok.}

I'm glad I'm not the only one having these morbid thoughts. I know its wrong, but its how I feel. When I see other celebrities now I'll think in my head "why not her?"..."why not him?". If Charlie Sheen died tomorrow people would understand. But Lord, why Whitney?! Yes, I know that is absolutely disgusting to say. He has a family and kids and people who love him. But so did Whitney. Anyway, that's where I am right. now.

Same here. Although I would never admit it in the real world, folks have a new benchmark to meet on order for me to have any friendly thoughts about them: it's the way they handled the "news" & aftermath. It may be shallow but if common folk & the famous said anything I believe was uncaring or minimally shady then ive already moved on. Fortunately family has not tested my new private criteria yet. I'm not crazy. I won't cut my Mama if (I don't even wanna go there) she were to lose her mind & start with hateful talk bout Whitney. But I've quietly & w/o explanation winnowed away the chaff from my FB alleged friends. Ellen is no longer DVR'd, Aretha has finally revealed what I knew & tried to tell peeps for 20 years (but I will keep listening to IHLH). Diana Ross is an alcoholic herself & I never forgot but I'm reminding her supporters at every opp. I understand why fellow Supreme Mary thinks she's a BLEEP!. BBBB's moniker "he who shall not be named" has been resurrected. Piers & Dr Drew are not worth the keystrokes.

And I feel great because I don't give a hoot what the haters have to say.

[Terrence]

NippyFanNy779, on 27 February 2012 - 02:17 PM, said:

And to think I was ashamed to admit these things because it just knew I was the only one.

I love you all. Like seriously I love you all. People can hug on me all day and text and call me all day, but I still feel like no one really REALLY understands how I feel except for the people here. And then it hurts because it's hard to be a support system for each other here and offer comfort when we ALL feel the same damn way and are so desperately needing the same comfort from someone. It's a terrible catch 22.

[MLIYL]

Eboni, on 27 February 2012 - 01:07 PM, said:

Terrence, on 27 February 2012 - 11:41 AM, said:

_{And I know this is gonna sound horrible and morbid but I've been thinking damn God could have taken another legend in her place. Why couldn't it have been so and so or so and so instead. The world would still grieve. The world would still feel a loss, but Whitney would be ok.}

I'm glad I'm not the only one having these morbid thoughts. I know its wrong, but its how I feel. When I see other celebrities now I'll think in my head "why not her?"..."why not him?". If Charlie Sheen died tomorrow people would understand. But Lord, why Whitney?! Yes, I know that is absolutely disgusting to say. He has a family and kids and people who love him. But so did Whitney. Anyway, that's where I am right. now.

You're not the only one..

I saw an article the other day about Zsa Zsa Gabor celebrating her 95th birthday in a hospital bed, and I couldn't help but think "Why not her? She's old and miserable, has no quality of life anymore, she lives in a hospital bed, why not her? Why Whitney?"

I know it's bad to think that, but it's something you can't HELP but think!

It just doesn't seem right, it doesn't seem fair, and I just absolutely hate that this happened.

[buddha]

I hope ya'll can move past that bizarre line of thought soon lol

[truthspeaker06]

NippyFanNy779, on 27 February 2012 - 02:17 PM, said:

And to think I was ashamed to admit these things because it just knew I was the only one.

karan, on 27 February 2012 - 02:12 PM, said:

^^^oh god! I too have been going through the same thoughts since the start. Especially when I see much older celebrities like Tina Turner, Chaka, Aretha, Patti....and even myself on the same ground truthspeaker just posted. Its surprising how we all are having the same thoughts.
Im lying on bed right now and my face feels rough with all the tears that have dried on it. Im having another terrible breakdown, and Im so lost...Im taking this quite personal as well. As if god took Whitney because he didnt want ME to be happy, and because of me everybody is suffering. CRAZY thoughts. Ive really started to feel I need some proffesional help now...

Terrence, on 27 February 2012 - 02:50 PM, said:

NippyFanNy779, on 27 February 2012 - 02:17 PM, said:

And to think I was ashamed to admit these things because it just knew I was the only one.

I love you all. Like seriously I love you all. People can hug on me all day and text and call me all day, but I still feel like no one really REALLY understands how I feel except for the people here. And then it hurts because it's hard to be a support system for each other here and offer comfort when we ALL feel the same damn way and are so desperately needing the same comfort from someone. It's a terrible catch 22.

exactly & I think the main thing that's keeping me going besides my faith is the fact that I've been reaching out fans all over the globe trying to offer some words of encouragement, so that in a sense keeps me from having too many minutes to be in my own feelings. ALL I do all day is text/dm/tweet/fb/call Whitney fans to make sure they're doing ok. Some fans have completely withdrawn from the public & I too wanted to do that but then I thought, well someone has to be there & reach out so that's all I've been doing & weirdly it makes me feel a little better.

I don't want to talk about Whitney with anyone else but you guys. No one else understands what I'm feeling but you guys, I wish I had more Whitney fans that lived around me, I just want to be with some fans right now. It's been so hard & people continue to check on me and encourage me but it's just not the same because they don't know & love her the way I did. Only my cousin Reyanna gets it. She loved Teena Marie the way we Love Whitney & I remember being the one to call her & tell her when she passed away. She gets the void & emptiness I feel.

A part of me still feels like Lord, you could've taken me & left her & that would've been just fine. And I HATE myself for even thinking/feeling that but it's really how I feel & I can't shake that.

[NippyFanNy779]

buddha, on 27 February 2012 - 03:15 PM, said:

I hope ya'll can move past that bizarre line of thought soon lol

This is a judge free zone! Lets leave comments like this out. People are hear to express themselves freely without having to feel self-conscious. If the thoughts or feelings expressed don't ring true then leave it alone